A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listens, thinks for a moment and says "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd ..."
Two Jewish guys walked by a church, and outside there's a sign that says "Convert to Christianity, get $400."
One of the guys goes, "Oh, why not?" The other says, "Really? You're gonna convert to Christianity?" The first guy replies, "Money is money, I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in, and 5 minutes later, he comes out wearing a cross necklace and munching on a ham and cheese sandwich. His friend asks in shock, "Did you even get the money?"
He replies, "Huh! You people."
What is the difference between yoghurt and the United States?
Leave the yoghurt alone for 200 years, it will develop a culture.
A woman goes down to the Lada dealership and orders the new model car. The dealer replies, "It'll be ready to pick up in ten years, eight months, and three days." The woman asks, "Will that be in the morning or the afternoon?" The dealer is confused, "Why does it matter, it's ten years from now!" And the woman replies, in all seriousness, "I have the plumber coming that morning."
A maths professor Dave has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He goes to the plumber, "How do you charge this much? This is half of my monthly paycheck!" But he pays it anyway.
The plumber says, "Look, we are looking for more plumbers. You'd be welcome to become one and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people in plumbing."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend maths class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, "What's the formula for the area of a circle?" Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he's forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics.
He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.
After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
He asked them who the best composer was, and they all said "Bach! Bach!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on, you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working too," says the duck, "now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman. And he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just, we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "Well, I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck, "I'm a plasterer." Flabbergasted, the barman just says, "Well, you know what, can we have a chat?" But he gets the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman a good night and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day, the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beers, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything." "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, when the duck comes into the pub, the barman says, "Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, really good money." "Well, I'm always looking for the next job," the duck says. "Where's it at?" "It's at the circus," says the barman. "The circus..." repeats the duck, "... with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who lives in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas slides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right," says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement and says, "what on earth would they want with a plasterer?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a young blonde and an old lady are seated together in a train compartment. The train goes through a tunnel and the compartment goes completely dark, at which point a loud slap is heard. When they emerge from the tunnel, the Frenchman is rubbing his jaw.
The old lady thinks, oh my, the Frenchman must have gotten handsy with the young lady, so she slapped him. Good for her.
The young blonde thinks the Frenchman must have tried to get forward with me but groped the old lady instead, so she slapped him.
The Frenchman thinks, that English pig must have touched the blonde girl inappropriately and she thought it was me, so she slapped me.
The Englishman thinks, oh, I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap the Frenchman again!
Do you know what propaganda means?
It's when a British person takes a good look at something.
Shout out to all the people who don't know what the opposite of in is.
A man walks into a pub and orders three beers. The bartender brings in three beers and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're all gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're done." The man says, "Ah, you don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now my brothers have three beers too and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers.
Then one week the man comes in and only orders two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother." The man replies, "oh no, my brothers are totally fine. I just quit drinking."